How Do You Romance (Closed to Momma Leia)

[greyorder]

Ben's life since he got back has been confusing. There are a lot of issues to work through, most of them fairly serious, and he's been working hard at his self-mandated task of redeeming himself fully. He and Uncle Luke can be in a room together briefly, which is a plus, he and Finn have graduated to something approaching awkward friendship, and Han has fallen back into snarking with his son as they work on the Falcon's latest breakdown. The Force is returning to Ben, albeit not at the pace he'd prefer, and his new lightsaber has given him chances to work with Rey on her skills there - she's extremely talented, simply used to using a staff instead, so the techniques are different. He goes to military briefings with his mother and pours out all the First Order's dirty little secrets in extreme detail regularly.

Nobody told him about the unexpected difficulty of being human again, not being Kylo Ren, full time monster. Ben Organa-Solo (he loves his mother enough to take a dual surname), non-monster, guy-with-Force-powers? That's a role he's never been less certain how to fill. So he gravitated towards Poe, who knew him before and whose forgiveness has been critical in restoring Ben's ability to believe in himself, and Rey, who will simply call Ben out when he's being too hard on himself because she does not believe in mincing words. They're good friends.

Friends who he's slept curled up against. Friends who he's held onto tightly and wanted to kiss. Friends who he's had dreams about he tried to ignore because Jedi are supposed to be celibate. The entire galaxy would have been better off if Anakin Skywalker never got involved with anyone. Ben has been viewed as Vader's second coming enough to be hesitant about the mere idea of this. But it's not going away, so he had to call upon the only impartial judge he knew who had some Force knowledge and some idea about romance: his mother.

He found her in the common room again, fiddling with a datapad, Poe's nightmare caf in a mug by her side. "Are, uh. Are you busy?" This can wait. Ben both needs and does not want this conversation in equal measure.

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“Having overheard romantically inclined thoughts from people in the First Order,” Ben half-sighed, half-chuckled, “I believe you’re right. It is unplanned and chaotic and I was far too smug about not being a part of it. This feels almost like payback for all my internal mockery of the people around me.”

He wasn’t sure how to respond to his mother’s immediate desire to go punch Snoke. On the one hand, it was deeply touching. On the other, he’d fallen to the Dark Side and there were consequences to that. Everyone had told him about the evils and cruelty that awaited, he just hadn’t listened, so really, in a way, it was his fault. But that discussion was for another time. He didn’t come here to get his past sorted out, but his future, so bright and sweet and full of love and promise if only he could manage to get it right.

“I don’t – I don’t know, how to rely on someone. I haven’t done it in a long time.” Just admitting it was hard, pushing words past barriers of pride that still rose up in his mind sometimes to try to silence him. “Perhaps, if I could have more time with them, it would come naturally. I don’t know. I wasn’t around to see how you and Father interacted or supported each other, so I don’t know what’s normal. But if you can do anything to give Poe, Rey and I even a little bit more time together, that would help a lot. I think. I hope.”

[motherofresistance]

Leia gave a small, amused smirk at the notion that Ben's romantic troubles were payback for earlier, private mockery of others in similar situations. "Somehow I don't think it's quite that one to one," Leia said. "Relationships are just inherently complicated, and the Force being involved only makes them more so. Though it also makes them that much more rewarding."

"I hadn't either," she said. "Not for a long time before I started thinking of your father as more than just a comrade in arms. I thought that was what people needed of me. The Last Princess of Alderaan; a symbol of the Rebellion, of strength and resolve, of why the Empire needed to be stopped, of everything that had been lost and what could still be lost. I'd resigned myself to that I think; to a life of duty."

"Then came your father," she said, smiling fondly. "This brash, arrogant, scruffy-looking scoundrel that I'd initially dismissed as nothing more than a mercenary; a man who never gave up, even as I tried to cling to what I thought was required of me. He was the first man to ever treat me like a woman; he didn't see a princess, a senator, a commander, or a political symbol, he saw me."

"And that was wonderful... and it was terrifying. I'd all but forgotten how to just be Leia, a human being with needs and feelings. Even after what happened in Cloud City, during those months when he was Jabba's prisoner... I almost didn't go on that rescue mission. It was too risky, and I was too valuable to the Alliance. It took the advice of a very wise woman and the events of 'Operation: Yellow Moon' to convince me otherwise. To convince me that my love for him was worth risking everything for, and that it was alright to need someone that much, rather than just being someone who others needed."

"It'll be a long process," she said, "but I know you can do it. And I'll definitely help you in any way I can, including arranging things so that you can have more time with Rey and Poe. Both together and separately, if I can manage it."

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"For the complications added by the Force, the rewards had better be rather remarkable," he snarked, though mostly it was frustration. He was sick of the Force making things go awry in his life. Ben just wanted one thing untouched by it, one thing he could actually enjoy.

He lowers his eyes, thinking. His mother's memories of his father are fond enough that he hates to ruin the moment, but the reality of his own situation is unfortunately rather different. "I don't know that there's a Ben left for them to see. Or a Kylo Ren. Or anything at all, sometimes. And that is a challenge they never asked to deal with. I worry it will prove too much of a burden to continue on with..."

Still, he nods, smiling weakly for a moment. "Time together would help. We can only have BB-8 stall for Poe so many times, after all."

[motherofresistance]

Unfortunately, once one embraced the Force it tended to affect every part of their life in some way, if only because those parts were connected to the whole. Love was no exception. Leia simply gave a small, knowing smile at Ben's complaint, though; he'd find out for himself what she meant soon enough, she was sure. And it would be that much better if she didn't spoil it for him.

His next statement though made the smile fade, though the knowing look remained. "You're wrong," she said. "About them not asking to deal with the challenge a relationship with you might present. They both chose to pursue one when they knew you well enough to understand full well what it might entail. Which I think speaks very highly of them, and is a good sign regarding the future of the relationships. It's one thing to enter into a relationship with someone mentally and physically healthy when times are good; to enter into one with someone when the circumstances aren't nearly so ideal is a sign of true caring and commitment and a very real desire to be with you."

The smile returned at the mental image presented of BB-8. "I'm certain that little droid has come up with some very creative methods of deflecting suspicion," she said. "But you're right; the sooner things can be arranged, the better."

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Ben rarely thought about love and the Force in the same context. He thought about the Force and obsessive, murderous love. He thought about the Force and vicious hatred and jealousy in the name of love. The Force as it connected to these loves, these gentle loves he had somehow found himself entangled in, that was incomprehensible. All the Force could do was ruin it, as it had for so many other Jedi.

His mother is right. It's just hard to accept, even as she says it. "I cannot help but worry that I am beyond merely non-ideal and am... beneath them. They deserve so much more than I can give them. More time, more affection, more physical affection, more of a future than just 'one day the war will be over'. I don't have as much to offer them as they can offer me, on every level." Let him gush about his awesome partners, Leia, and how much they make his life better.

"BB-8 asked Jessika Pava if she would ever date a droid. That bought us a solid breakfast together, although if you see pilots telling BB-8 there are plenty of stars in the galaxy, that'd be why." He grins, despite himself. "Force bless that droid, though if that's proof that children take after their parents, Poe and I should avoid having any until we mature a bit."

[motherofresistance]

Leia smiled warmly at how Ben described his partners. "And yet, out of all the eligible young people on base, they both chose you," she said. "You're the one they want, flaws and all, knowing that you don't have as much time or romantic skill to offer as others probably do. Because they love all of you; not just the bright, shiny, undamaged parts. Take my advice and just give them what you can, when you can; I know they'll appreciate it."

She chuckled at BB-8's antics. "So that's what that was all about," Leia said. "I was wondering why Jessika looked so amused this morning when BB-8 rolled through."

"And I don't know," she said, clearly kidding, "we could certainly use a few more people that clever on our side."

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He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Were you ever this nervous, when you and Father were coming together? I know secondhand from Master Luke that at first, Father was convinced he was under your notice, but you were all working hard at taking the Empire down and so you had to interact. Father also tells things as if Lando nearly took your affections, although I can never tell where his grousing ends and the truth begins." The fact his parents had made it through those tough times regardless did give him hope, though. They had been from as different parts of the known galaxy as could be achieved in terms of wealth, culture and upbringing, but here they were all these years later.

"BB-8 is remarkably convincing at acting, despite lacking facial expressions. We should have the droid start teaching lessons in espionage."

Ben paused. When he spoke, his voice was a mixture of emotions: hope, uncertainty, something like raw amazement. "I had a vision. A child is in my future. I could not tell how old I was, only that somehow they had light colored hair and favored the baby blanket Uncle Chewie got me in my own infancy. It feels like tempting fate," he admitted, vulnerability in his eyes, "to dare to speak of it. I have not told Poe or Rey yet. Neither has ever made note of a desire to have children, and the child does not resemble either of them. Were I not witness to my older self holding the baby and calling him my son, my white-kyber - his hair was truly that shade of blonde - I would not have guessed him to be mine. Though he does," here, he snorted with self-derision, "get my large ears. Pity the child."

[motherofresistance]

Leia thought back, trying to recall her exact thoughts and feelings from that time unfiltered by current affections. "Yes," she said. "Your father was attractive and infuriating all at once and I had no idea how to handle it, which meant I usually reacted defensively. Then there'd be an argument and one or both of us would storm off, which was how things tended to go for the first few years."

"Then we wound up stuck together on the Falcon and suddenly that sort of retreat wasn't an option. Close quarters meant that we had to face each other, and I had to face how I felt, which was more than a little frightening. I was trembling the first time it looked like he was going to kiss me, much as I tried to deny it. Then he actually did." She smiled at the memory. What a kiss that had been! "The moment after, I didn't know what to say or do, but then suddenly 3P0 came in, jabbering something about the reverse power couplings, and I took the opportunity to flee the room. There's really no other way to describe it; I straight out fled because I was so overwhelmed. From the glimpse I got on the way out, your father looked about ready to dismantle 3P0 for the interruption; he might actually have done it if we hadn't still need him to help with repairs."

"Ultimately, being stuck together on the Falcon for more than six weeks while trying to get to Besbin at sublight gave us time to get beyond that," she said. "By the time we got there, Lando frankly didn't have a chance. He was and is very charming, but it was the sort of charm that I could tell that he was very used to using to get what he wanted. I didn't know how much was genuine and how much was just flattery, but it was enough that I didn't trust him. You don't spend as much time in politics as I have without learning to recognize when someone is a little too smooth, a little too generous, a little too eager for you to be at ease in their presence; I knew he was hiding something." And of course he had been, as they both knew, though Lando had redeemed himself later.

Leia blinked in surprise at the revelation of Ben's vision, before her expression faded into something more thoughtful. A child... and a grandchild for her. She couldn't help but smile slightly at the last bit though. "My ears too, don't forget," she said. "And Luke's hair was lighter when he was younger, though I don't think it was ever quite to that degree. It's also possible that the child could be adopted, since you said he didn't resemble either Poe or Rey; the ears could just be a coincidence."