How Do You Romance (Closed to Momma Leia)

[greyorder]

Ben's life since he got back has been confusing. There are a lot of issues to work through, most of them fairly serious, and he's been working hard at his self-mandated task of redeeming himself fully. He and Uncle Luke can be in a room together briefly, which is a plus, he and Finn have graduated to something approaching awkward friendship, and Han has fallen back into snarking with his son as they work on the Falcon's latest breakdown. The Force is returning to Ben, albeit not at the pace he'd prefer, and his new lightsaber has given him chances to work with Rey on her skills there - she's extremely talented, simply used to using a staff instead, so the techniques are different. He goes to military briefings with his mother and pours out all the First Order's dirty little secrets in extreme detail regularly.

Nobody told him about the unexpected difficulty of being human again, not being Kylo Ren, full time monster. Ben Organa-Solo (he loves his mother enough to take a dual surname), non-monster, guy-with-Force-powers? That's a role he's never been less certain how to fill. So he gravitated towards Poe, who knew him before and whose forgiveness has been critical in restoring Ben's ability to believe in himself, and Rey, who will simply call Ben out when he's being too hard on himself because she does not believe in mincing words. They're good friends.

Friends who he's slept curled up against. Friends who he's held onto tightly and wanted to kiss. Friends who he's had dreams about he tried to ignore because Jedi are supposed to be celibate. The entire galaxy would have been better off if Anakin Skywalker never got involved with anyone. Ben has been viewed as Vader's second coming enough to be hesitant about the mere idea of this. But it's not going away, so he had to call upon the only impartial judge he knew who had some Force knowledge and some idea about romance: his mother.

He found her in the common room again, fiddling with a datapad, Poe's nightmare caf in a mug by her side. "Are, uh. Are you busy?" This can wait. Ben both needs and does not want this conversation in equal measure.

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[motherofresistance]

As it so happened, what Leia had been fiddling with on the datapad was her schedule. While Han, Luke, and Ben had been... gone, Leia had taken on a number of tasks that didn't strictly need to be taken care of by her for the sake of constantly having something to do. She hadn't pushed herself beyond what she could safely handle, but constantly having something to distract her had helped.

Now that her family was back together, though, she was faced with the task of having to shift certain things around or reassign them in order to have dedicated time with them while also being sure not to overburden anyone else. Which, as it turned out, was easier said than done. Ben's arrival proved to be a timely distraction from an increasingly frustrating task.

She looked up at Ben and smiled. "Actually I was just about ready to take a break," she said. There was one particular task that stubbornly refused to be relocated, so maybe a brief break would help her refocus on it properly later. She saved what she was doing and closed the file. "What did you need?"

[greyorder]

He bit at his lower lip, not entirely sure how to proceed. Much like his father's plans usually had a step one and an end goal, Ben had envisioned this as simply going to her and getting a solution. What to actually say hadn't been something he considered. How he could be decent at navigating combat but clueless regarding human interaction, he wasn't sure. Both his parents were good enough at it, it should've been passed down, but it hadn't.

He settled for perching on the arm of the couch - he liked that it brought them down closer to eye level - and saying, haltingly, "I was taught various things by Uncle Luke and later by Snoke regarding their respective dogma. None of it ever seemed relevant on this particular topic, so I disregarded it, or at least didn't ask questions. But now I... I seem to have become romantically involved with people. Two seperate people, at the same time. And I know Jedi are supposed to be celibate and Sith are supposed to keep it to purely sexual encounters to avoid, well, the very thing that led to the downfall of the Jedi in the first place, but I..." He rubbed at his temples, taking a deep, stabilizing breath. "I don't want to not pursue this. I don't know how to pursue it. I - I am lost, Mother. And meditating hasn't helped."

[motherofresistance]

"A lot of things led to the downfall of the Jedi," Leia said. Anakin's turn may well have been the final nail in the coffin, but from what she'd learned from both her fathers, Luke's research into Jedi history, and her own research and knowledge that things were never that simple, she knew that the Jedi order had already been in deep trouble towards the end. "And given what I've found out in recent years, celibacy wasn't as strictly enforced as they would have liked outsiders to believe, at least not during the time that it's most relevant to us."

"But honestly, I was expecting this sort of thing to come up at some point," she said. Even the fact that it was two people at once wasn't that surprising, given that their whole family seemed to find different ways for their relationships to be complicated. "And I'm glad you came to me about it. So let's start at the beginning; I already have a few guesses, but who are the two people you're interested in?"

[greyorder]

"I know it has worked out before, for other Jedi. But our family isn't like those. I am not like those other Jedi; I lack much of the discipline and self-control that I suspect made those relationships work. And the Sith historical archives are filled with Force Users, be they Sith or Jedi, who proved intense emotions and the Force are a bad combination," he said softly, clearly having thought the topic to death. "I... I fear I'll make mistakes, in this. And they deserve better."

He swallowed, thickly, hands flexing and curling nervously. "Poe. Rey. Rey is a lot more direct, she simply declared her intent and kissed me. Poe and I took longer. BB-8 yelled at us before we really admitted to what was going on."

Ben was both glad his mother was taking this so well and a touch surprised. There were a lot of things that could go wrong. She had to know that. This wasn't typical in most parts of the galaxy. Oh, there were some species, some planets, where three people might be legally and happily wed, but among humans, such things were not done. If they were, Ben certainly hadn't heard about it.

[motherofresistance]

"Oh, I don't doubt mistakes will be made," Leia said, "on your end and on theirs. That's part of any sort of relationship, romantic or otherwise, especially when you're young. The important part will be how you work through those mistakes together."

She smiled at having her suspicions confirmed. Both of them were very good influences on Ben in different ways, and she'd noticed the affection between them. It wasn't surprising it had taken on a romantic aspect as well. Whether either of those sets of romantic feelings would last long enough that marriage became a serious consideration remained to be seen; that was in the future at the moment, and that'd cross that bridge when and if they came to it. For now they had to work on making a solid beginning.

"I thought it might be them," Leia said. "And I'm not surprised that Rey made the first move with you either; she doesn't strike me as the type to wait around when there's something she wants. Or someone, in this case."

"Do both of them know that you have feelings for the other though?", Leia said. "Because if you want to have a relationship with both of them, that's something you need to be up front about. Otherwise it could lead to some awkward and unpleasant surprises later on."

[greyorder]

"They do. When I have nightmares or trouble sleeping, I sleep in Poe's bed - not like that," he added sharply, cheeks coloring immediately, "Just to be able to wake up and not I'm not in the First Order or at Luke's. Rey found us and we had an incredibly awkward, incredibly long conversation. It took most of the night. Rey and Poe are still processing things, but they vetoed the option of simply giving up on the whole endeavor." That had been Ben's first thought, that it was over, that neither of them would want him once they knew his affections were split.

Then Rey stubbornly pulled him into a hug and told him to quit being dramatic, Poe had nodded and said she was right, and they'd worked out that as unusual as it was, as strange as the concept even was to them, given they'd all been self-contained in various ways for a long time, they were going to try.

"Rey climbed into bed with us and I... all around me, all I felt through the Force was love. Love, Light, hope, wrapped up into something pure and selfless. I still feel I don't deserve this, or them, but I just cannot picture how this could lead to the darkness and evil I was warned it would during my Jedi training. I know the doctrine exists for good reasons, but I have two very good reasons to disregard it.

As you may have guessed, I was never involved with anyone romantically in the First Order. None of this is familiar territory. I am trying but I am lost, Mother."

And if she could make things work with his father, a pairing no one saw coming, then perhaps she could help puzzle this out, too.

[motherofresistance]

Leia wasn't entirely sure how she felt about Luke's being on the same level of undesirable places to be as the First Order, even though she understood Ben's reasons. Still, the rest of it definitely sounded promising, especially as she caught a faint echo of what Ben remembered feeling through the Force. Very promising indeed.

She reached out to take Ben's nearer hand. "Well, I've never been in a polyamorous relationship myself, but I've known people who have been so I'll certainly do my best to help," she said. "You sound like you're off to a good start at the very least by being up front with both of them and both of them being supportive of the idea and of you. Do you know if they also have any romantic interest in each other, though which would make it mutual all around, or are you the only romantic connection between them?"

[greyorder]

Ben didn't even realize he'd let slip that he had nightmares about Luke's. Such a thing was such a fact of life he simply thought it was common knowledge. At the very least, Poe and Rey understood isolation like Luke's was one of Ben's worst fears, and took it seriously - something he hadn't always had the luxury of.

He curled his fingers around his mother's, marveling momentarily that he had grown up to be bigger than her even in little ways such as their hands. "As far as I know, they're not interested in each other. They're friends; they do care about each other, but they haven't indicated some sort of mutual interest in one another. That's why I thought it was either going to instantly be over or that they would make me choose. I didn't expect for them to agree or even suggest the arrangement we've now found ourselves in.

Master Luke is going to hate me," he noted dryly. "I have ruined his new padawan before he even had the chance to teach her that love is a cardinal sin among Jedi."

[motherofresistance]

Leia too marveled at how big Ben had become sometimes. She could still remember holding him in her arms, rocking him and singing Alderaanian lullabies, and now here he was, a grown man, asking her advice about relationships. How time flew, and how much she had missed.

At the comment about Luke, Leia snorted slightly. "Let me worry about Luke," she said. "He might be your Jedi Master, but he's my baby brother. And this time he's got me around to give him a metaphorical kick in the backside if he starts getting too wrapped up in being a Jedi to see past the end of his nose." Or maybe even a literal kick, depending on the situation. "This is between you, Rey, and Poe and if he tries to interfere he's going to hear it from me."

"Still, with them not being interested in each other, it'll make things a bit more difficult if and when you do feel ready to consider sleeping with them in the other sense of the term," Leia said. "I'm sure some kind of arrangement can be worked out, though. If necessary I'll help you with that; I've become something of an expert at schedule juggling lately."

"But that's still in the future at the moment," she said, "so we can cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, tell me, how far have you gone with both of them? I don't need all the minute details, just a rough idea of what sorts of things you've done together that are more than just what friends would do."

[greyorder]

"I don't want this to strain things between Luke and Rey. She admires him immensely. Their friendship is honestly good for both of them, and if I had known I was going to fall for her I would have avoided her for his sake, but I didn't plan this. We simply happened. Which I know does not sound romantic in the least."

His first thought at her next words was a spike of dread. He didn't want to lose them to their lack of attraction to each other - he'd dreaded it the moment they became aware they were both interested in him. Ben's life had been spent being left behind by people or leaving. He didn't have a lot of hope that such a pattern could change, not for him. As much as he wanted to believe that they could make it work, he knew from the outset they were fighting long odds.

Then he turned red and buried his face in his free hand. "Mother," he proclaimed, mortified, "I cannot believe you just asked that. I - a minute, I need a minute." He focused on his breathing, trying to get over how much he suddenly really didn't want to have this conversation. "Well, we've kissed. Rey's a much more forceful kisser than Poe, but they both seem to enjoy messing up my hair. I like sleeping next to Poe and holding onto him. Rey and I, we... things got heated, once, but somehow her grabbing my hips reminded me of when Snoke broke my ribs to give me incentive to learn Force Healing. That killed the mood." He deflated, feeling ashamed of himself. Rey's confusion, fear and then anger at Snoke could have been avoided, she could have been happy, if he had just pushed past it. It was only a memory, after all. "Poe and I might've had something similar occur had BB-8 not rolled in and shrieked at us just as we had our shirts off." And then the droid had shrieked at Ben because apparently, it was under the impression Ben's visible bones meant he was dying. Again: mood killer.

[motherofresistance]

"True," she said, "but her relationship with you is also good for the both of you, and he needs to understand that. You're all adults, and being a Jedi doesn't give him the right to decide who any of you can or can't have a relationship with. I had enough of my aunts trying to do that when I was younger, I'm not about to let my brother start doing it."

"And you'll find that most relationships just 'happen' in one way or another," Leia said. "True, arranged marriages can and do happen, especially among wealthier families, but actual love isn't something that can be forced or- ultimately- prevented. It has to be natural, and it's inevitably unpredictable."

The stab of dread was met with a brush of warm reassurance from her. Relationships with long odds were practically a family tradition and though the results had been... mixed, to say the least, Ben's were definitely off to a strong start, even if he couldn't see it.

Leia couldn't help but chuckle at Ben's next reaction, though. "I'm not sure how you planned to talk about relationships without coming around to this eventually," Leia said as Ben blushed redder than a Sith lightsaber. "The emotional part of a romantic relationship is important, but you can't ignore the physical part."

She listened, smiling a bit as Ben talked about both of them liking to mess up his hair; she fondly recalled Han ruffling little Ben's hair when he came in from a day's play covered in dirt and grinning unrepentantly. Then Leia would lead him off to the refresher for a bath, him babbling about his latest adventure with Poe while she listened indulgently all the way.

The way he deflated though, his shame a what had happened filtering through the Force, changed the smile to something much gentler. She squeezed his hand reassuringly. "Ben," she said, "the fact that something made you uncomfortable is nothing to be ashamed of. That's part of being in a relationship; learning what your partner enjoys and what they don't. Trying to pretend that you're fine with something when you're really not just leads to problems down the line, and besides, Rey's Force-Sensitive; if you'd tried to hide it, she'd have picked up on it sooner or later, and probably would have been angry at you for hiding it."

"Trust is a big part of a relationship," she said. "Being able to share the parts of yourself that are broken and imperfect, the dark parts as well as the light. Trying to hide them just to avoid an argument is doing both yourself and your partner a disservice. Rey and Poe care about you; if something hurts you, they'll want to know so they can help."

[greyorder]

In many ways, the family legacy had haunted Ben in regards to romance. He had viewed potential romantic interests with an instinctive aversion, a desire not to undo all his progress or ruin his life. Luke needn’t have spent so much time lecturing his padawans on the dangers of love. Ben had, more than once, had genuine, honest-to-Force nightmares about the concept. His aversion was built into him from such a young age he had, as a child with Poe, planned to raise banthas alone in the desert. That was how deep the knowledge that relationships could turn toxic instantly went.

“I didn’t want any relationships like this. Firstly, I know better, and secondly I have read up on Jedi and Sith history. I thought so long as I kept my guard up, no such attachments would happen. They did anyway. For the life of me, I don’t know how. And that’s why talking about the physical part didn’t really cross my mind – too much time spent thinking about all the Force, Jedi and possibly familial ramifications. The physical aspect ended up an afterthought.”

Still, he fought to keep the discomfort off his face. What kind of failure of a person was he, that instead of jumping at the opportunity for sex and enjoying it wholeheartedly, he locked up and fell into silent panic if touched the wrong way? That couldn’t be normal. Rey wouldn’t know, she hadn’t had any interest in the vast majority of the people on Jakku, but Poe’s face had shown a kind of stunned concern, one of knowing something was off and not being pleased with it. They were alright with it, they just seemed to both be filled with questions, most of which had gone unasked.

“I’m not trying to hide anything. I just don’t know how to talk about things that bother me. It never used to matter. In the First Order you followed your orders, end of story. At Luke’s all problems and pains were met with the same advice, to meditate and meditate more and then, yet again, meditate. I am in dire need of some sort of problem-solving crash course class.”

He bit his lip, thinking. “What should I do, if I lock up again? What am I supposed to say? How do I get over it? I don’t want to be unable to be with them intimately due solely to past traumas Snoke inflicted on me. I cannot let him take something so personal from me. I have lost enough as it is.”

[motherofresistance]

"Everyone 'knows better'," Leia said. "Or at least thinks they do. I certainly knew better than to fall in love with a Corellian smuggler. I never had any interest in a relationship when I was younger; much to the consternation of my aunts, who thought my main goal in life from approximately my sixteenth birthday onward should have been finding myself a suitably princely husband. But there were so many other things in my life; I had Alderaan, I had my political career, I had my humanitarian work, and then there was the burgeoning Alliance... who had time to even think about a relationship? And even after I'd met your father, we were in the middle of a war and almost constantly on the run; probably the worst possible time to fall in love with someone."

"But love is a little like the Force, in that the exact moment you think you have it all figured out is when it blindsides you with something totally new that you weren't prepared for in the slightest," she said. "That's part of what makes falling in love so wonderful. And an equal part of what makes it so terrifying. No matter how well prepared you think you are, when you actually end up there, it's still uncharted space."

And 'normal' when it came to sex and sexuality was very much relative. Leia had known people who would hop into bed with anyone who expressed the slightest interest in the idea, people who were entirely asexual, and everywhere in between. And when one added romantic tastes to the mix the spectrum only got broader. Honestly, it was no wonder Ben was having difficulty navigating the whole thing.

"You know, I think a class like that would have done our family a world of good," she said. "Meditation is helpful for some things; I practice it myself. But it's not the answer to everything. Unfortunately the Jedi slogan- back when they were numerous enough to have one- could have been 'Meditate your problems away,'; it was their solution to pretty much everything, for better or worse, with our family history being an extreme example of what can happen with 'worse'."

"As for what you can do, though..." She thought for a moment. "There was actually a similar incident between me and your father early on. I'll spare you the details, but he surprised me with how understanding he was. And how angry he was with those who'd hurt me." It had been the first time she told him about how she'd been forced to watch Alderaan die. And the way he held her while she'd cried and afterwards was when she'd first realized that she loved him, even if she'd been too afraid to say the words until they both stood in the carbon freezing chamber.

"If it happens again, be honest with them," she said. "You don't have to go into details if you're not comfortable with doing so, but let them know that being touched in a particular way brought back bad memories. In the end, you might never enjoy being touched in certain specific ways, and that's alright; it's not a weakness or something to be ashamed of, just something that your partners will need to know about you."

"But there are ways you can work on getting over issues like that, at least to the point that they don't make you lock up any more," she says. "Often times part of what triggers memories like that is if something happens suddenly or unexpectedly. You can try to gradually incorporate that kind of touch when you're being intimate, but instead have them take it slowly and deliberately and use that to help you become accustomed to associating it with something pleasant instead of the bad memory. Just don't try to push through if it's not working as much or as fast as you hoped; you won't be doing yourself or them any favors by trying to rush things."

[greyorder]

“Father says much the same about falling in love with you,” Ben replied, smiling faintly at the memory. “He thought he had no chance with a princess, and he’s still not sure how he managed it. Uncle Chewie says love is a destined thing. I’m not fond of that idea. The word ‘destiny’ is like a curse when you have the Force and have seen all that it entails sometimes, honestly. And when I returned from the First Order I simply was past the point I thought it was possible. The war is going on, I have been helping Rey train, I’ve been working on my own Force connection – I have no idea where I even found the time to end up with anyone. Everything has been such a rush of movement and goals that some days, Rey and Poe are my only breathers, and I know they’re just as busy.

I suffer no delusions that I am remotely prepared for any of this.” He had been arrogant about a lot of things in his time, but even as Kylo Ren, that had never been on the list. He knew his formative years when most people developed their relationships skills had been wasted in solitude. As far as Ben was concerned, he thought himself better suited to literally anything than this, yet the rewards of companionship, contentment, hope, happiness, had all proven too intoxicating to turn away from. He knew from the start that he was miles behind both Rey and Poe (especially Poe) in terms of understanding this. They made him want to try anyway.

Ben wasn’t sure what was normal. He knew Jedi policies of zero sex were most people’s idea of abnormal, he knew that Han’s pre-Leia days were abnormal in the other direction (and had begged his father to shut up and never speak of those days again, ugh). This in no way helped him puzzle out what his own ideal or norm was or should be. Rey seemed very determined that she would not proceed if Ben had locked up and was still jittery; she refused to do something she considered to be hurting him sexually. Poe was much, much more tactile, but he was so exhausted after a hard day’s work most of what they did consisted of cuddling and kissing. Really, all three of them were still in active duty in this war to varying degrees, and that was going to make this a very experimental, probably drawn-out process.

“I think Rey might actually kill Snoke if she knew he’d broken my ribs deliberately,” he mused, nodding along with his mother’s description of his father. “I don’t want her to pity me, though, so I, uh, I withheld details. Poe and I sleep in the same bed often enough he knows who hurt me, just not what was done. I don’t want his pity, either. I want them to know I can and will protect them, that I am strong in the Force and that they can rely on me. I have no desire to make myself seem as if I will break if handled roughly. They’ve had their hardships, too, and those are just as important as mine, I – I don’t want to be the center of attention. Not like this. It is much, much easier to say something doesn’t make me weak than it is to internalize it and come to agree with it fully.”

He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. “I wish I had more time to talk to them. Either, both, really. No one’s schedule matches up well at this point and we’re trying, but it isn’t easy. If I could redo everything I would wait until after the war for romance.”

[motherofresistance]

"I wouldn't call it 'destiny' either, mostly because I don't believe in it, at least not in the way most people use the term," she said. "'Destiny' implies that there's no choice involved, when in fact the opposite is true. Everything revolves around choices; the ones we make and the ones other people make and how they weave together, sometimes in ways we can see and predict, and other times in ways that are surprising and baffling. Love usually tends to fall into the latter category, I've found."

Leia was well aware that the Force had a habit of arranging things to suit its purposes, but while the Force could and did lay out paths in front of people, it couldn't make them walk down them.

"Rey might have to get in line if she wants a chance at Snoke," Leia said, frowning for a moment. "But yes, convincing yourself of something like that is far easier said than done; I ought to know. But I also know that it can be done, with time and effort."

"You're right to say that their hardships are just as important as yours," she said, "but you also need to remember that yours are just as important as theirs as well. It's good that you want them to be able to rely on you, but you also have to be willing to rely on them sometimes. Relationships aren't a one-way street; they need to be equal partnerships."

"Though as for the time issue, I may be able to help out with that," she said. "I've been doing some reshuffling of my own schedule recently; there's no reason I can't do the same for others. Granted I have more control on that front with Poe, but I'll see what I can do about Rey as well."

[greyorder]

“Having overheard romantically inclined thoughts from people in the First Order,” Ben half-sighed, half-chuckled, “I believe you’re right. It is unplanned and chaotic and I was far too smug about not being a part of it. This feels almost like payback for all my internal mockery of the people around me.”

He wasn’t sure how to respond to his mother’s immediate desire to go punch Snoke. On the one hand, it was deeply touching. On the other, he’d fallen to the Dark Side and there were consequences to that. Everyone had told him about the evils and cruelty that awaited, he just hadn’t listened, so really, in a way, it was his fault. But that discussion was for another time. He didn’t come here to get his past sorted out, but his future, so bright and sweet and full of love and promise if only he could manage to get it right.

“I don’t – I don’t know, how to rely on someone. I haven’t done it in a long time.” Just admitting it was hard, pushing words past barriers of pride that still rose up in his mind sometimes to try to silence him. “Perhaps, if I could have more time with them, it would come naturally. I don’t know. I wasn’t around to see how you and Father interacted or supported each other, so I don’t know what’s normal. But if you can do anything to give Poe, Rey and I even a little bit more time together, that would help a lot. I think. I hope.”

[motherofresistance]

Leia gave a small, amused smirk at the notion that Ben's romantic troubles were payback for earlier, private mockery of others in similar situations. "Somehow I don't think it's quite that one to one," Leia said. "Relationships are just inherently complicated, and the Force being involved only makes them more so. Though it also makes them that much more rewarding."

"I hadn't either," she said. "Not for a long time before I started thinking of your father as more than just a comrade in arms. I thought that was what people needed of me. The Last Princess of Alderaan; a symbol of the Rebellion, of strength and resolve, of why the Empire needed to be stopped, of everything that had been lost and what could still be lost. I'd resigned myself to that I think; to a life of duty."

"Then came your father," she said, smiling fondly. "This brash, arrogant, scruffy-looking scoundrel that I'd initially dismissed as nothing more than a mercenary; a man who never gave up, even as I tried to cling to what I thought was required of me. He was the first man to ever treat me like a woman; he didn't see a princess, a senator, a commander, or a political symbol, he saw me."

"And that was wonderful... and it was terrifying. I'd all but forgotten how to just be Leia, a human being with needs and feelings. Even after what happened in Cloud City, during those months when he was Jabba's prisoner... I almost didn't go on that rescue mission. It was too risky, and I was too valuable to the Alliance. It took the advice of a very wise woman and the events of 'Operation: Yellow Moon' to convince me otherwise. To convince me that my love for him was worth risking everything for, and that it was alright to need someone that much, rather than just being someone who others needed."

"It'll be a long process," she said, "but I know you can do it. And I'll definitely help you in any way I can, including arranging things so that you can have more time with Rey and Poe. Both together and separately, if I can manage it."

[greyorder]

"For the complications added by the Force, the rewards had better be rather remarkable," he snarked, though mostly it was frustration. He was sick of the Force making things go awry in his life. Ben just wanted one thing untouched by it, one thing he could actually enjoy.

He lowers his eyes, thinking. His mother's memories of his father are fond enough that he hates to ruin the moment, but the reality of his own situation is unfortunately rather different. "I don't know that there's a Ben left for them to see. Or a Kylo Ren. Or anything at all, sometimes. And that is a challenge they never asked to deal with. I worry it will prove too much of a burden to continue on with..."

Still, he nods, smiling weakly for a moment. "Time together would help. We can only have BB-8 stall for Poe so many times, after all."

[motherofresistance]

Unfortunately, once one embraced the Force it tended to affect every part of their life in some way, if only because those parts were connected to the whole. Love was no exception. Leia simply gave a small, knowing smile at Ben's complaint, though; he'd find out for himself what she meant soon enough, she was sure. And it would be that much better if she didn't spoil it for him.

His next statement though made the smile fade, though the knowing look remained. "You're wrong," she said. "About them not asking to deal with the challenge a relationship with you might present. They both chose to pursue one when they knew you well enough to understand full well what it might entail. Which I think speaks very highly of them, and is a good sign regarding the future of the relationships. It's one thing to enter into a relationship with someone mentally and physically healthy when times are good; to enter into one with someone when the circumstances aren't nearly so ideal is a sign of true caring and commitment and a very real desire to be with you."

The smile returned at the mental image presented of BB-8. "I'm certain that little droid has come up with some very creative methods of deflecting suspicion," she said. "But you're right; the sooner things can be arranged, the better."

[greyorder]

Ben rarely thought about love and the Force in the same context. He thought about the Force and obsessive, murderous love. He thought about the Force and vicious hatred and jealousy in the name of love. The Force as it connected to these loves, these gentle loves he had somehow found himself entangled in, that was incomprehensible. All the Force could do was ruin it, as it had for so many other Jedi.

His mother is right. It's just hard to accept, even as she says it. "I cannot help but worry that I am beyond merely non-ideal and am... beneath them. They deserve so much more than I can give them. More time, more affection, more physical affection, more of a future than just 'one day the war will be over'. I don't have as much to offer them as they can offer me, on every level." Let him gush about his awesome partners, Leia, and how much they make his life better.

"BB-8 asked Jessika Pava if she would ever date a droid. That bought us a solid breakfast together, although if you see pilots telling BB-8 there are plenty of stars in the galaxy, that'd be why." He grins, despite himself. "Force bless that droid, though if that's proof that children take after their parents, Poe and I should avoid having any until we mature a bit."

[motherofresistance]

Leia smiled warmly at how Ben described his partners. "And yet, out of all the eligible young people on base, they both chose you," she said. "You're the one they want, flaws and all, knowing that you don't have as much time or romantic skill to offer as others probably do. Because they love all of you; not just the bright, shiny, undamaged parts. Take my advice and just give them what you can, when you can; I know they'll appreciate it."

She chuckled at BB-8's antics. "So that's what that was all about," Leia said. "I was wondering why Jessika looked so amused this morning when BB-8 rolled through."

"And I don't know," she said, clearly kidding, "we could certainly use a few more people that clever on our side."

[greyorder]

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Were you ever this nervous, when you and Father were coming together? I know secondhand from Master Luke that at first, Father was convinced he was under your notice, but you were all working hard at taking the Empire down and so you had to interact. Father also tells things as if Lando nearly took your affections, although I can never tell where his grousing ends and the truth begins." The fact his parents had made it through those tough times regardless did give him hope, though. They had been from as different parts of the known galaxy as could be achieved in terms of wealth, culture and upbringing, but here they were all these years later.

"BB-8 is remarkably convincing at acting, despite lacking facial expressions. We should have the droid start teaching lessons in espionage."

Ben paused. When he spoke, his voice was a mixture of emotions: hope, uncertainty, something like raw amazement. "I had a vision. A child is in my future. I could not tell how old I was, only that somehow they had light colored hair and favored the baby blanket Uncle Chewie got me in my own infancy. It feels like tempting fate," he admitted, vulnerability in his eyes, "to dare to speak of it. I have not told Poe or Rey yet. Neither has ever made note of a desire to have children, and the child does not resemble either of them. Were I not witness to my older self holding the baby and calling him my son, my white-kyber - his hair was truly that shade of blonde - I would not have guessed him to be mine. Though he does," here, he snorted with self-derision, "get my large ears. Pity the child."

[motherofresistance]

Leia thought back, trying to recall her exact thoughts and feelings from that time unfiltered by current affections. "Yes," she said. "Your father was attractive and infuriating all at once and I had no idea how to handle it, which meant I usually reacted defensively. Then there'd be an argument and one or both of us would storm off, which was how things tended to go for the first few years."

"Then we wound up stuck together on the Falcon and suddenly that sort of retreat wasn't an option. Close quarters meant that we had to face each other, and I had to face how I felt, which was more than a little frightening. I was trembling the first time it looked like he was going to kiss me, much as I tried to deny it. Then he actually did." She smiled at the memory. What a kiss that had been! "The moment after, I didn't know what to say or do, but then suddenly 3P0 came in, jabbering something about the reverse power couplings, and I took the opportunity to flee the room. There's really no other way to describe it; I straight out fled because I was so overwhelmed. From the glimpse I got on the way out, your father looked about ready to dismantle 3P0 for the interruption; he might actually have done it if we hadn't still need him to help with repairs."

"Ultimately, being stuck together on the Falcon for more than six weeks while trying to get to Besbin at sublight gave us time to get beyond that," she said. "By the time we got there, Lando frankly didn't have a chance. He was and is very charming, but it was the sort of charm that I could tell that he was very used to using to get what he wanted. I didn't know how much was genuine and how much was just flattery, but it was enough that I didn't trust him. You don't spend as much time in politics as I have without learning to recognize when someone is a little too smooth, a little too generous, a little too eager for you to be at ease in their presence; I knew he was hiding something." And of course he had been, as they both knew, though Lando had redeemed himself later.

Leia blinked in surprise at the revelation of Ben's vision, before her expression faded into something more thoughtful. A child... and a grandchild for her. She couldn't help but smile slightly at the last bit though. "My ears too, don't forget," she said. "And Luke's hair was lighter when he was younger, though I don't think it was ever quite to that degree. It's also possible that the child could be adopted, since you said he didn't resemble either Poe or Rey; the ears could just be a coincidence."