“Father says much the same about falling in love with you,” Ben replied, smiling faintly at the memory. “He thought he had no chance with a princess, and he’s still not sure how he managed it. Uncle Chewie says love is a destined thing. I’m not fond of that idea. The word ‘destiny’ is like a curse when you have the Force and have seen all that it entails sometimes, honestly. And when I returned from the First Order I simply was past the point I thought it was possible. The war is going on, I have been helping Rey train, I’ve been working on my own Force connection – I have no idea where I even found the time to end up with anyone. Everything has been such a rush of movement and goals that some days, Rey and Poe are my only breathers, and I know they’re just as busy.
I suffer no delusions that I am remotely prepared for any of this.” He had been arrogant about a lot of things in his time, but even as Kylo Ren, that had never been on the list. He knew his formative years when most people developed their relationships skills had been wasted in solitude. As far as Ben was concerned, he thought himself better suited to literally anything than this, yet the rewards of companionship, contentment, hope, happiness, had all proven too intoxicating to turn away from. He knew from the start that he was miles behind both Rey and Poe (especially Poe) in terms of understanding this. They made him want to try anyway.
Ben wasn’t sure what was normal. He knew Jedi policies of zero sex were most people’s idea of abnormal, he knew that Han’s pre-Leia days were abnormal in the other direction (and had begged his father to shut up and never speak of those days again, ugh). This in no way helped him puzzle out what his own ideal or norm was or should be. Rey seemed very determined that she would not proceed if Ben had locked up and was still jittery; she refused to do something she considered to be hurting him sexually. Poe was much, much more tactile, but he was so exhausted after a hard day’s work most of what they did consisted of cuddling and kissing. Really, all three of them were still in active duty in this war to varying degrees, and that was going to make this a very experimental, probably drawn-out process.
“I think Rey might actually kill Snoke if she knew he’d broken my ribs deliberately,” he mused, nodding along with his mother’s description of his father. “I don’t want her to pity me, though, so I, uh, I withheld details. Poe and I sleep in the same bed often enough he knows who hurt me, just not what was done. I don’t want his pity, either. I want them to know I can and will protect them, that I am strong in the Force and that they can rely on me. I have no desire to make myself seem as if I will break if handled roughly. They’ve had their hardships, too, and those are just as important as mine, I – I don’t want to be the center of attention. Not like this. It is much, much easier to say something doesn’t make me weak than it is to internalize it and come to agree with it fully.”
He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. “I wish I had more time to talk to them. Either, both, really. No one’s schedule matches up well at this point and we’re trying, but it isn’t easy. If I could redo everything I would wait until after the war for romance.”
no subject
I suffer no delusions that I am remotely prepared for any of this.” He had been arrogant about a lot of things in his time, but even as Kylo Ren, that had never been on the list. He knew his formative years when most people developed their relationships skills had been wasted in solitude. As far as Ben was concerned, he thought himself better suited to literally anything than this, yet the rewards of companionship, contentment, hope, happiness, had all proven too intoxicating to turn away from. He knew from the start that he was miles behind both Rey and Poe (especially Poe) in terms of understanding this. They made him want to try anyway.
Ben wasn’t sure what was normal. He knew Jedi policies of zero sex were most people’s idea of abnormal, he knew that Han’s pre-Leia days were abnormal in the other direction (and had begged his father to shut up and never speak of those days again, ugh). This in no way helped him puzzle out what his own ideal or norm was or should be. Rey seemed very determined that she would not proceed if Ben had locked up and was still jittery; she refused to do something she considered to be hurting him sexually. Poe was much, much more tactile, but he was so exhausted after a hard day’s work most of what they did consisted of cuddling and kissing. Really, all three of them were still in active duty in this war to varying degrees, and that was going to make this a very experimental, probably drawn-out process.
“I think Rey might actually kill Snoke if she knew he’d broken my ribs deliberately,” he mused, nodding along with his mother’s description of his father. “I don’t want her to pity me, though, so I, uh, I withheld details. Poe and I sleep in the same bed often enough he knows who hurt me, just not what was done. I don’t want his pity, either. I want them to know I can and will protect them, that I am strong in the Force and that they can rely on me. I have no desire to make myself seem as if I will break if handled roughly. They’ve had their hardships, too, and those are just as important as mine, I – I don’t want to be the center of attention. Not like this. It is much, much easier to say something doesn’t make me weak than it is to internalize it and come to agree with it fully.”
He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. “I wish I had more time to talk to them. Either, both, really. No one’s schedule matches up well at this point and we’re trying, but it isn’t easy. If I could redo everything I would wait until after the war for romance.”