In many ways, the family legacy had haunted Ben in regards to romance. He had viewed potential romantic interests with an instinctive aversion, a desire not to undo all his progress or ruin his life. Luke needn’t have spent so much time lecturing his padawans on the dangers of love. Ben had, more than once, had genuine, honest-to-Force nightmares about the concept. His aversion was built into him from such a young age he had, as a child with Poe, planned to raise banthas alone in the desert. That was how deep the knowledge that relationships could turn toxic instantly went.
“I didn’t want any relationships like this. Firstly, I know better, and secondly I have read up on Jedi and Sith history. I thought so long as I kept my guard up, no such attachments would happen. They did anyway. For the life of me, I don’t know how. And that’s why talking about the physical part didn’t really cross my mind – too much time spent thinking about all the Force, Jedi and possibly familial ramifications. The physical aspect ended up an afterthought.”
Still, he fought to keep the discomfort off his face. What kind of failure of a person was he, that instead of jumping at the opportunity for sex and enjoying it wholeheartedly, he locked up and fell into silent panic if touched the wrong way? That couldn’t be normal. Rey wouldn’t know, she hadn’t had any interest in the vast majority of the people on Jakku, but Poe’s face had shown a kind of stunned concern, one of knowing something was off and not being pleased with it. They were alright with it, they just seemed to both be filled with questions, most of which had gone unasked.
“I’m not trying to hide anything. I just don’t know how to talk about things that bother me. It never used to matter. In the First Order you followed your orders, end of story. At Luke’s all problems and pains were met with the same advice, to meditate and meditate more and then, yet again, meditate. I am in dire need of some sort of problem-solving crash course class.”
He bit his lip, thinking. “What should I do, if I lock up again? What am I supposed to say? How do I get over it? I don’t want to be unable to be with them intimately due solely to past traumas Snoke inflicted on me. I cannot let him take something so personal from me. I have lost enough as it is.”
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2017-04-18 09:47 pm (UTC)“I didn’t want any relationships like this. Firstly, I know better, and secondly I have read up on Jedi and Sith history. I thought so long as I kept my guard up, no such attachments would happen. They did anyway. For the life of me, I don’t know how. And that’s why talking about the physical part didn’t really cross my mind – too much time spent thinking about all the Force, Jedi and possibly familial ramifications. The physical aspect ended up an afterthought.”
Still, he fought to keep the discomfort off his face. What kind of failure of a person was he, that instead of jumping at the opportunity for sex and enjoying it wholeheartedly, he locked up and fell into silent panic if touched the wrong way? That couldn’t be normal. Rey wouldn’t know, she hadn’t had any interest in the vast majority of the people on Jakku, but Poe’s face had shown a kind of stunned concern, one of knowing something was off and not being pleased with it. They were alright with it, they just seemed to both be filled with questions, most of which had gone unasked.
“I’m not trying to hide anything. I just don’t know how to talk about things that bother me. It never used to matter. In the First Order you followed your orders, end of story. At Luke’s all problems and pains were met with the same advice, to meditate and meditate more and then, yet again, meditate. I am in dire need of some sort of problem-solving crash course class.”
He bit his lip, thinking. “What should I do, if I lock up again? What am I supposed to say? How do I get over it? I don’t want to be unable to be with them intimately due solely to past traumas Snoke inflicted on me. I cannot let him take something so personal from me. I have lost enough as it is.”